ConfirmThem

By AndrewHyman Posted in Images — Comments () / Email this page » / Leave a comment »

There's a lot of noise out there, but not much of substance to report about the Alito nomination right now. I know some of you are Lewis Carroll fans, so --- with apologies to Mr. Carroll and to Judge Alito --- here's a story about the upcoming hearing that's scheduled to begin on January 9.

"Call the first witness," said Chairman Specter; and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, "First witness!" The first witness was the Nominee, Judge Alito. He came in with a teacup in one hand, and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. "I beg pardon, Mr. Chairman," he began, "for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for."

Here Senator Leahy put on his spectacles, and began staring hard at the Nominee, who turned pale and fidgeted. “Give your testimony," said Chairman Specter; “and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot." This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting, looking uneasily back at Senator Leahy, and in his anxiety he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.

“What did the Concerned Alumni of Princeton say thirty years ago today?" barked Leahy's Democratic colleagues, one after the other. “That I can't remember," said the Nominee. “You must remember," remarked the Chairman, “or I'll have you executed."

Here one of the leftist guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the Senate. (They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the leftist guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.) “I'm glad I've seen that done," thought Judge Alito, discreetly.

“If that's all you know, you may stand down," continued the Chairman. “I can't go any lower," said the Nominee: “I'm on the floor, as it is." “Then you may sit elsewhere," the Chairman replied. Here the other leftist guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed. “That finishes the guinea-pigs!" thought Alito, "and now everyone shall get along better."

“I'd rather finish my tea," answered Alito to the Chairman, with an anxious look at Senator Leahy, who was reading the list of witnesses. At this moment Senator Schumer, who had been for some time busily writing in his note-book, called out “Silence!" and read out from his book, “Rule twenty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the hearing room." Everybody looked at Alito. "I'm not a mile high," said Alito. “You are," said Schumer. “Nearly two miles high," added Leahy.

“Well, I shan't go, at any rate," said Alito: "besides, that's not a regular rule --- you invented it just now." “It's the oldest rule in the Senate rule book," said Schumer. “Then it ought to be Rule Number One," said Alito. Schumer turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily.

“Hold your tongue!" said Senator Kennedy, turning purple. “I won't!" said Alito. “Off with his head!" Kennedy shouted at the top of his voice. Nobody moved.

“You may go," snarled the Chairman politely, and the Nominee hurriedly left the hearing room, without even waiting to speak to reporters.

“--and just take his head off outside," Senator Kennedy added to one of the officers of the Senate; but the Nominee was out of sight before the officer could get to the door. “Call the next witness!" said the Chairman, eager to hasten Alito's confirmation.